Things I Don't Understand - Part 1

The Economic Status of Malaysia

For three years I spent time in and around the oh-so lovely island-splattered area of Malaysia. On top of sexy natives, (less sexy) turtles and more poisonous wildlife then I'd care to go outside to experience - they have an economy. Now I'm no economist. I'm not. Though I said I was once and may again in the future if it's ever a matter of national emergency (an American National Emergency - not Malaysian, as that entails little more than heavy turtle populations in tidal pools). But as a non-economist and someone who still insists to the IRS that he's never earned more than $0.30 an hour, I feel quite qualified to comment on the entire economy of Malaysia.

Why?

Because it consists entirely of a guy selling snorkels out of a shack made from driftwood. Sure they may have a thriving piracy industry going on the side, but my attempts at getting statistics on that aspect of "business" found me with a machete sticking out of my left thigh. So I digressed.

But Ikthanto - the snorkel renter - told me that on average he makes about 40 of whatever they call their currency an hour thanks to a booming tourist population. He was either lying to make himself look better or 40 of whatever his currency is called - we'll call them horeshoe crabs - isn't very much money at all. Considering his business's headquarters had an Eeyoric tendency to collapse we'll assume the latter. Damned inflation, in 1943 a man could live 2 weeks on 40 horseshoe crabs.

So there it was. The economy of an entire tropical region dominated by one man, a mesh bag filled with snorkels and, what we're assuming is a wallet full of cool-looking shelled creatures.

I've always assumed that a strong economy relies on competition. I know this because in order for me to win at Monopoly I have to actually play someone else. And because monopoly is an economic term, and because monopoly requires at least two players, I can assume a proper (and fun!) economy requires two players as well. I decided I needed to locate a second snorkel renter. There were none. Malaysia's snorkel trade find's itself under the cruel cold hand of Ikthanto - Snorkel Warlord of the South Pacific (SWOSP or Snorkel WOSP assuming you can say that without imagining a bee-like insect capable of breathing underwater). I can't.

With the Snorkel WOSPS greedy thumb placed dastardly over the snorkel tube of Malaysia's economy - I found myself wondering if there was any hope for these islanders and their Gecko-god Pili. Obviously the God will be fine, but the people will probably suffer. So still I wondered (but not about Pili). Was there a chance of liberating these once noble, snorkel-loving people's from the dominating force of the SWOSP?

If there was ever hope it's here and now. It exists in you and me. Write your congressmen. Write your friends. Your family. Your children. Your loved ones. Your love-children (avoid letting your wife read that one). Or if you're consequently divorced after the whole love-child scenario, write your estranged wife. The point is - no matter how comfortable you feel writing to these people, we need to set our inhibitions aside and stimulate the US economy with a surge of stamp purchasing!

Huzzah! It's a two for one deal! We boost our economy while increasing the value of horseshoe crabs (which comes about by removing the SWOSP from power). Come on people - keep up.

Perhaps the real reason I don't understand Malaysia's snorkel-driven economy is because I know nothing of malaysia. Or snorkels. As I've never been to Malaysia, have never even bothered to Wikipedia Malaysia (as I'd at least know the currency at that point), nor have I cared to do the legwork to further that part of my knowledge.

I don't understand how Malaysia's economy works and never will make an attempt to try.

I'm an Economist goddammit! I've got much better things to do with my time.

Like boggle.