Things I Don't Understand - Part 2

The Things People Choose to Say to Test Microphones

Sibowitz. Sibboleth. Syphilis. Symptomatic. Psycho-somatic. Synchronized efforts at mutual destruction in times of nuclear stand-off. No matter how you say it or what you say if the microphone isn't on - it won't come through. For that matter, unless what you're saying during testing will be said by one of the more important people who will eventually take the stage and speak - all and any words you speak have no other purpose than to show off/reveal your incredible/deplorable vocabulary.

Honestly, if on stage amidst a bunch of techies preparing for an event and the only word you can think to say into a microphone is "syphilis", perhaps you need to take a personal day. In fact, perhaps you need to get that looked at. Or if you already had it looked at you should trust the doctor that the medication perscribed will make the unsightly rash go away.

It won't. Even if it does - syphilis is a state of mind. You're screwed (not physically as that would just cause problems for other people).

Back to microphones and people unwittingly confessing their inner anguishes as they attempt to ascertain once and for all whether or not the microphone is on. Maybe they blow into the microphone. Maybe they tap it a few times. Either way - unsatisfied by the fact that their harsh breathing sounds and obnoxious tapping have deafened the entire room - they're going to say something. Something embarassing.

"Is this thing on?" Which, as a question, is completely worthless as they would have had their answer after "is". In which case the question couldd have been shortened to a sweet and terse "On?" Nothing embarassing about that. Heck, you'd probably look smart were it not for the fact that you've just sounded like a caveman for all the room to hear withyour mono-syllabic query of room-wide forced audience-ship. But isn't that better than sounding like a complete dumbass who can't tell that everyone in the room has heard everything he's said yet still attempts to confirm that by speaking non-sensical words and questions like "You in the back, Frankie - stop talking to Jessica - Frankie, can you hear this?" Again, assuming he heard enough to turn and look at you with the annoyed look that suggests he was finally getting somewhere with Jessica after two-weeks of working together on-set with the band-members looming overhead presenting a constant and seemingly insurmountable obstacle to any chance he might have with her - the only girl on the road-team, and thus in desperate measures - the only thing that might suggest your latenight coitus will be expelled into something other than a cup/tissue/dark well of self-loathing and doubt which leaves you trembling in your bed. Assuming he looked at you with that annoyed look - you didn't even have to ask the question. Successfully interrupting his advances is all the confirmation you really needed. In which case you should have made it worthwhile by mentioning an embarassing congenital defect or genealogical trait no mate could find attractive.

This is really a lose-lose scenario for techies. Unless executed in a team fashion with one man conversing directly with another at the back mixer board. Then, and only then, is there any hope of redeeming the techy from a fate of room-wide loathing and oafishness.